being gay is pretty weird sometimes. not weird odd or such, just weird ha-ha. well sort of anyway. to be fair it may not be strictly down to being gay, perhaps just down to being human amongst so very many other humans, all of us with our own views, opinions, traits, faults etc
but back to the gay specific, from my point of view at least as let’s face it given it’s how i’ve been since i can remember i think i can justifiably play that specific view-point. so i’m going to.
from where i sit, on my rather expensive for what it is desk chair with added extra supports (us oldies need extra back support etc,) and i ponder the gay scene / world / being, i always find myself reverting to the same view i had when i was younger: i really still don’t have a clue as to which part of the gay scene / world / being i fit in to!
now, i assume there are similar categories in hetero world too, but wonder if they’re as bitchy about them?! there are so many sects (if i may use that) within the gay scene that it can be ridiculously intimidating when you’re trying to figure things out, to find your place within the right group. or groups. i guess there are some traits that are applicable across two or more cliques?!
i guess it’s really down to the perception of your own gayness. whether it defines who you are or is just a part of your overall definition of self. perhaps it’s percentage based or some-such, directly proportional to level of fabulous? there are those out there – from the super camp to the uber butch and all those in between – who practically scream gay with their entire being. just watch an episode of rupaul’s drag race and you’ll see what i mean…those contestants dreaming of being champion drag queen of the season are gay to the nth degree indeed.
and don’t get me wrong, i’m not dissing them – no way, in fact i bloody love that show because of the contestants. and the host is pretty damn fab too. but watching it i do realise they’re all like 99.99% on the scale, while i must be about a 8. 9 at the most. i guess they’re all defined to self as gay men rather than my self definition of being a man who is gay.
i think that’s something i’ve said before, but it certainly rings true for me.
perhaps that’s why i sometimes feel i’m letting the side down by just being your average joe kinda guy. but then i think of my social circles and realise that actually, maybe we’re our own little subsection of the community: the “we just don’t tick any boxes, so will tick the a.n. other yet still pretty damn awesome” one!
aah life. it is a funny ol’ thing.